How to respond to an upsetting message

How to clarify what they meant and bring attention to what bothered you, without escalating it into a bigger disagreement. For mildly to moderately upsetting messages, serious topics are outside this scope.

Written by: Sapphire Li, BA

Communications specialist, 8+ years writing and copywriting for companies

They said what? Deep breaths

Saying this was a waste is a bit odd. Just to confirm, what did you mean?¹

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1. Before reacting, ask them to clarify what they meant. Even if the meaning seems abundantly clear, their intent behind it may not be what it seems. It also gives them a chance to rethink what they said and possibly realize that it was uncalled for or not what they meant.

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Well we spent so much time on it and it barely got any engagement

Yeah it did take a lot of time, we learned what doesn't work though so that's good for next time.¹ Not sure if it's helpful to just call it a waste.²

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1. If there are any parts of what they said that you agree with, acknowledge that first to find some common ground.
2. Point out which parts of what they said that you disagree with. Tone down your callout with softer words like "not sure if it's helpful". This reduces the chance of saying something you regret while in a heightened emotional state and it coming across as harsh criticism. You're not downplaying what they said or did, the goal is to simply draw attention to it to discuss what bothered you, with self-defensiveness less likely to get in the way.

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Last updated: August 17, 2025